Adam's Song

16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

[link]

Sort of a self portrait, as of late.

stupid sketch.

*swats at everything*

Despite what the song is about, Don't get me wrong, my life is fine, I have no urge to kill myself or any other such nonsense and if I did I wouldn't cry about it on the internet for godsakes lD Don't misunderstand: I'm in college, I've got a future (If I graduate LOL) and I have a loving family who always encourages me.

I'm just lonely. I feel like I'm looking in on everyone else's little happy groups and friendships but I'm not allowed to be a part of it. Or I'm unable to be a part of it.

College is turning into the exact same thing as my senior year of high school. And yes, That's how I really look. I always wear that big ass fluffy coat, even if it's not cold enough for it. the huge hood hides my face rather well. the hoodie I wear UNDER it has a hood as well, and it shadows my face too. I feel the need to hide whenever I leave my dorm room. I'm not a pretty face - I have issues with acne and scratching my face, so I usually look like I faceplanted on some gritty concreate recently. It's hard to make friends because it's had to let them in - people usually turn away or stare, or even when I do start talking, make faces. I'm a little too off the wall for most people I guess - I wore my Star Trek uniform to class once and later heard girls in my dorm gossiping about how stupid it was and how much of a freak they thought I was. RIGHT OUTSIDE MY FUCKING DOOR. What are the chances.

I did make some friends at registration, but they've drifted away. I can't seem to keep hold of any. One friend got a boyfriend and had the to need to know everyone on the campus, and I was quickly forgotten in the throng of her buddies. The other seems to only tolerate me. A third I accidentally pissed off in a bout of sleep-deprived anger (which I immediately apologized for) but it was too late, I'd stamped on her feels and that was the end of that.

Friendships are all about give and take. I find it hard to find ways to give - I'll give gifts and artwork, christmas presents and written stories. That's my 'love language' (go look it up) and that's not enough for everyone. I'm bad at giving 'service', like asking a friend to go somewhere, go ice skating, go eat, go DO something fun. I can never think of good things to 'go out' and do. I prefer to stay safely nestled in my small dorm room, with my blazing fast laptop and my fridge full of soda. I want a friend who will sit on my bed and talk about anime and transformers with me, drinking pop, while we're both on our laptops: listening to Anberlin, skillet, or blink 182 blasting through the speakers. That would be amazing. But most people I know would hate to be cooped up.

Which brings us to the internet.

I love making firends over the internet (mostly devinatart). It's different, yet not. People can't immediately judge you by your face, or your all black clothes, or glasses. If anything they judge you by your icon first X'D On deviantart, you don't get to see that outward bias first, you see straight into a person's personality by their posts and artwork. You immediately get to see WHO THEY ARE, as long as they're not putting up a front, which I guess happens but not me. My soul is pretty much bared on my deviantart (save personal information of course LOL). I don't hide my feelings here like I do so desperately in real life. Even this post - some friends are on deviantart, they'll see it. I'm not ashamed of that. But I'll avoid them like hell tuesday in class xD.

But even here, it's hard to keep friends interested in actually being around me. They'll find something else to do, someone else who is cooler to hang out with and that will be that. Perhaps I'm jealous? but I crave that attention no one has really ever given me. I'll hold up my artwork to show my dad and he'll look at it with his lips a thin line and go 'that's nice' :I no one wants to hear about my thoughts on the season finale of TF prime, no one wants to hear what happened in the cafeteria today that I found so funny, no one gives a shit what I have to say. No one wants to read my writing, no one wants to see my art. It's frusterating as hell. Is this my fault? Am I being too insistant that people pay attention to me, is that a crime? Usually I simply give up and go back to slinking around in the shadows, getting people to forget I exist. It's easier that way because I can tell myself no one is paying attention to me because I DON'T WANT THEM TO. But when i'm trying so hard, screaming in a crowded room and no one even looks up, it's heartbreaking.

I'm always being brushed to the side, like no one has time for my bullshit or wants to deal with me.

Except that friggin creepy stalker kid that won't leave me alone. Now that is some irony: finally some attention, all the wrong kind LOLLL

Well that turned into a pretty serious rant, what the hell. lD Sorry to bombard you with my feels.

.... yea.